The Siths of Our Lives

In Which Everyone Is Acquainted And Somehow None Of Them Kill Each Other

Our story began with each of our three “heroes” in a cantina on Taris, each there for their own reasons. The smuggler Hannik had cargo that needed to be moved off world, but was in need of reliable help. The Mandalorian Kage was seeking work, after being ejected from the military due to his psychotic nature. And the Sith apprentice Nyx was undercover and meeting with a Republic spy.

Kage approached the bartender to see if he knew anyone who was hiring, and was directed to Hannik. The smuggler had Kage go kill one of the patrons of the catina as a test of his abilities. Kage snapped the man’s neck and left a drink in his hand.

Meanwhile, Nyx convinced the spy to give her the datapad with the information she needed. Having acquired what she needed, the Sith ran him through with her lightsaber. She was just about to leave the cantina when a group of Republic soldiers entered.

Hannik saw the soldiers and, thinking they were there to arrest him, ordered Kage to do something about them. Kage set the cantina on fire. In the chaos and confusion, Kage, Hannik, and Nyx all managed to escape into the maintenance tunnels.

Hannik and Kage ended up getting separated, and Kage eventually ran into Nyx. Not knowing her way out of the tunnels, Nyx decided to go with the Mandalorian.

Nyx and Kage eventually found Hannik trapped in a stuck elevator (which Kage tried to fix by ripping off the control panel), and the three of them found their way to where Hannik had parked his swoop bike. He showed Nyx how to use his, and he and Kage stole another bike so they could ride back to Hannik’s ship.

However, as soon as they entered traffic, Nyx peeled off from them and went off on her own, stealing Hannik’s bike. She returned to her lodgings and made an unfortunate discovery. The spymaster who the man she’d killed had worked for was aware she was a Sith. He had managed to forge information that made it look like she was a traitor to the Empire.

With her accounts frozen and no other way to get off the planet, Nyx hurried to where Hannik’s ship was docked, barely making it on board before the ship took off. She found Hannik in the cockpit and revealed herself to be Sith, threatening Hannik with death if he did not take her to Korriban.

Hannik agreed to take her to Korriban, preventing a fight between her and Kage, who had shown up in the cockpit. Annoyed with Kage’s antics, Nyx Force Persuaded him to take some sedatives by claiming they were candy.


As I stared at my former commander, flexing my gigantic muscles and showing off my 36 pack, as usual, I began listing all the amazing reasons someone as awesome as me, was just too good for their military. I reminded them of all those times I killed a 1000 soldiers with my bare hands, and an apple. They begged me to stay, proclaiming I was the only reason they even stayed in the military, and adding that I was also the only reason they ever won. But their pleas were drowned out by my muscle flexing.

As I left the compound running, they gave me a 21 gun salute…in my general vicinity. I guess no one told them to shoot in the air, just another reason this army was just uncalculatably substantially unpressuratedly incoriboniatedwithamonkeyblastingoffinaspaceship 12.

Once the compound was out of reach, I slowed down and tried to think of where to go next, flexing my muscles the entire time. I decided to walk…down the road, a strategy so brilliant, that they would forever remember my name…in that place…with stuff.

As I walked along, a man approached me, no doubt jealous of my amazing muscles, which I flexed in his general direction.
“Can you spare a few credits? I’m starving…”
My superior intelekt could tell that this man was obviously trying to con me.
“Do you think I’m a fool?! I know it’s you Egak!”
The man stared at me blankly.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
Before he could bore me with another foolish attempt, I jumped on him.
“Ha! Once I pull off your mask, you’ll know the extent of my genius!”
“Wait!” the man cried out, “I’m not wearing a mask!”
I grabbed the mans face, and with a hard jerk, discovered he was indeed telling the truth. He was clearly a ROBOT! With facial muscles…and blood…and human like screams of agony. Suddenly I had stuff to do and ran.
I came across a small town and approached a poor looking woman and her two kids. After they bored me with some story about how their father had gone off begging, I was reminded of the spy I had ran into earlier. I showed them his mask. and asked if they knew anything about it, the family did not answer. And after seeing my huge amazing muscles, which I flexed constantly, they told me there was work on Taris. They pointed to a nearby spaceship, and told me I could use it…immediately. Before I climbed in, one of their kids came up to me, holding a radio. "It’s our governor " he said. He must have thought I was stupid enough to fall for his obvious ploy. This was no governor, it was clearly a radio. I grabbed him by the collar and forced their governor down his throat. Then, I took out my carbine, and shot the remainder of these spies, who were dressed very convincingly like poor people, who also had elaborate boxes for houses…but they were clearly spies.
I climbed into the ship and took off towards Taris. Along the way I remembered it was time for my daily workout. After 9 zillion sit ups, and a brief wrestling match with God, which I always won, I proceeded to flex my muscles in a nearby window. Suddenly it hit me. How could I be staring at myself? It must be a decoy! “Ha! Nice try again Egak! But you’re not smart enough to match wits with the infamous Kage!” I pulled out my trusty carbine, and shot the imposter right in his glassy face. As I hurtled out into space, flexing my muscles, which was totally part of my plan, a passing by shuttle saw me, slowed down, and opened their bay for me to climb in. Once on board, they began asking me questions of how I ended up out there. AS I regaled them in my amazing story of how I outsmarted Egak, who tried to fool me with a decoy, they began to look at one another. Clearly my story was far too complex for their tiny brains. As I began to flex my amazing muscles, I heard them whisper to one another.
“Dude, is this guy insane?”
Suddenly I realized that he too was a spy, trying to turn everyone against me by convincing them I was crazy. I pulled out my carbine and shot him. The other crew members looked around scared. They must be scared that I’m on to their little plan! Meaning they too were spies! I shot the nearest screw member, and stared at the third.
“What the hell is wrong with you?! We just saved you!”
“Saved me? Ha! I’m here because I saw your ship, and decided to board it!”
“You’re here because you shot out a window, thinking it was a decoy of you!”
I thought for a minute…how did he know about that? I had made sure to keep that brilliant story to myself. He must have set the decoy to begin with!
“Ha! Foolish Egak! You think you can fool me with yet another mask?!” Once I discovered that he was indeed another robot, I quickly stormed the bridge, which I was conveniently already on, as part of my brilliant plan. Soon I settled down on Taris, and entered the nearest pub. As I flexed my amazing muscles, I decided to ask the bartender where to find work. After he was able to draw his eyes away from my amazing muscle flexing awesomnicicity, he pointed in a corner, claiming the mans name was Hannik, who was in the smuggling trade. I decided to inform the bartender of Egak and how he kept sending robots after me, in his secret plot to absorb my amazing muscleitude, so he can impress all the hot chicks like I do. The bartender looked at me, shook his head and went back to cleaning.
I went over to Hannik, and flexed my muscles at him in a greeting manner. After a brief chat about a job offer, and the latest cover of Kage Weekly, which features me and my amazing muscles, he told me to kill a nearby patron who was following him. I walked over to the patron. Clearly this was a test of my eagle like eyesite as well. “Ha! You think you and your nearby gangmembers scare me?!” He looked behind him, and then back to me, puzzled. “They’re clearly invisible! But no manner of invisibility can escape the amazing eye site of Kage Myoushu!” The man stared at me, confused, and dumbfounded that I spotted his invisible gangmembers. I walked behind him, and broke his neck. Clearly, he was dead, which wasn’t good, this place was crowded with Egak’s robots, and I didn’t have enough time to check them all for masks. So I placed a drink in his hand, peed in the glass, and returned to Hannik.
I heard a sharp humming noise then a brief flash of light on the floor above me. Before I could investigate, a billion republic soldiers showed up. After a brief muscle flexing session, I killed all of them but 6. I was so stealthy however, that the last 6 didn’t even realize I had killed the rest of their forces and began to look for…someone. Hannik instructed me that my skills were too great for this place, and asked that I create a distraction. I pulled out my lighter, and after a quick flexing session, set the nearest curtain on fire. Suddenly ninjas jumped down on us. In a flash of kicks and punches and flexing, they were all dead. We ran out a back entrance, flexing my muscles the entire way.
The path was dark, and Hannik didn’t know where to go. Luckily I did, and decided to find the direction that i knew where to go, by picking a random direction and going there, but it wasn’t random because I knew where I was going, I just wasn’t there yet.
I looked behind me and realized Hannik wasn’t there, as part of my brilliant plan. I searched along the wall for another door. Behind me, I could hear breathing. I spun around and drew my trusty pistol. Some bitch in a black robe was there, and was all like “I’m Nyx, I totally want you, let’s do it right here.” and we did it 37 times, flexing my muscles the entire time. We began to look for a way out. Suddenly we came across an elevator, with some pansy crying for help. I quickly realized it was Hannik. Upon seeing me, he let out a sigh of relief, proclaiming my muscles were so dashing, that he became lost and confused once he could no longer see them, and asked for my help in getting out. A few minutes of muscle flexing and I realized that if I ripped off the control panel, the elevator would start working again. After not allowing the elevator to move, as part of my brilliant plan to keep Egak guessing, I opened the top of the elevator and helped Hannik out. He said he had tried to take it down to where he kept his swoop bikes. After allowing him the esteemed priviledge of reinstalling the control panel, as part of my brilliant plan to help his self-esteem, we arrived at the garage. We took our swoop bikes, and set off towards where Hannik had his ship. Nyx proclaimed that my muscles were too amazing, and that she had to get some of her own, and sped off. We arrived at Hanniks ship, which I flexed my amazing muscles at, and climbed aboard. As we were about to lift off, Nyx showed up and said she couldn’t live without me, I allowed her to join us, after we did it another 37 times. As I stared at a mirror, flexing, I heard shouts coming from the cockpit. They were no doubt arguing over who get’s a turn with my esteemed 36 pack. Nyx offered me candy. Her plan was clearly to offer me candy, making me think they were sleeping pills, so I’d refuse and wander off, where she could attempt to kill me. I decided to pull my famous double-decker technique and took the candy. Staring at ehr proudly, wondering what she would do enxt now that I foiled her…
I awoke in my room, clearly too amazing to exist in this reality for more than a few days at a time.


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